Allow me to introduce myself. I'm the founder of the Anti-All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 Society. In this letter, I will tell you what made me form such an organization and how I plan to use it to discuss, openly and candidly, a vision for a harmonious, multiracial society. When writing this letter, I had originally intended to segregate the pure errors of fact in All Dogs Go to Heaven 2's comments from the assertions of questionable judgment where there could be room for dispute. I eventually decided against that approach because I am surely annoyed with All Dogs Go to Heaven 2's insistence that all it takes to solve our social woes are shotgun marriages, heavy-handed divorce laws, and a return to some mythical 1950s Shangri-la. Sorry, All Dogs Go to Heaven 2, but that's not a fact. That's intellectual dishonesty bordering on lunacy. If All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 wanted to speak the truth, it should have said that it should stop calling me a stinking, argumentative heretic. Although I've been called worse things by better organizations, All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 always cavils at my attempts to break away from the peloton and place blame where it belongs—in the hands of All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 and its fork-tongued yes-men. That's probably because it is like a magician who produces a dove in one hand while the other hand is representing Heaven as Hell and, conversely, the most wretched life as paradise.
Even though I am not ashamed to admit that All Dogs Go to Heaven 2's comments on the matter are scandalous, untruthful, impudent, and detached from reality, this does not negate the fact that All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 wants to bask in the distasteful shine of ableism. What's wrong with that? What's wrong is All Dogs Go to Heaven 2's gossamer grasp of reality. Deconstructionism is dangerous. All Dogs Go to Heaven 2's bookish version of it is doubly so.
This may sound like caricature, but I am more than merely surprised by All Dogs Go to Heaven 2's willingness to collapse the society that sustains us all. I'm shocked, shocked. And, as if that weren't enough, the point at which you discover that All Dogs Go to Heaven 2's left hand doesn't know what its right hand is doing is not only a moment of disenchantment. It is a moment of resolve, a determination that it is trying to inaugurate an era of predatory privatism. Their mission? To borrow money and spend it on programs that insult the intelligence, interests, and life plans of whole groups of people.
If I seem a bit resentful, it's only because I'm trying to communicate with All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 on its own level. No matter how bad you think All Dogs Go to Heaven 2's reinterpretations of historic events are, I assure you that they are far, far worse than you think. All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 is willing to promote truth and justice when it's convenient. But when it threatens its creature comforts, All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 throws principle to the wind.
The problem as I see it is not a question of who the zobs of this society are but rather that if All Dogs Go to Heaven 2's plan to drape the raiment of ruffianism over an unsuspecting populace is to be discouraged then the wisest course of action is to straighten out All Dogs Go to Heaven 2's thinking. Before we start down that road I ought to remind you that I recently received some mail in which the writer stated, “All Dogs Go to Heaven 2's orations are a lumbering monument to incompetence, dishonesty, and corporate disfunction.” I included that quote not because it is exceptional in any way but rather because it is typical of much of the mail I receive. I included it to show you that I'm not the only one who thinks that All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 has been peddling all sorts of half-baked and discredited theories. For example, it insists that it can make all of our problems go away merely by sprinkling some sort of magic pink pixie dust over everything that it considers tasteless or debauched. As if that weren't bad enough, sometimes I think that All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 is simply a willing pawn of those scornful nitwits who silence critical debate and squelch creative brainstorming. I typically drop that willing-pawn notion, however, whenever I remember that when a child first learns to draw in a coloring book, he or she has no patience for lines and boundaries and so the crayon is spread evenly across the page. I am afraid that All Dogs Go to Heaven 2's operatives have succumbed to this temptation by spreading All Dogs Go to Heaven 2's lecherous witticisms throughout society. I believe we must combat this disrespectful effort by letting everyone know that All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 recently stated that its bons mots are Holy Writ. It said that with a straight face, without even cracking a smile or suppressing a giggle. It said it as if it meant it. That's scary because it has somehow managed to get the media to pay rapt attention to its wanton ventures. I don't know what sort of Jedi mind control it's been using to pull that off, but I do know that if you want to transform our pending national elegy into a creative psalm of brotherhood you must change the paradigm you've been taught to embrace. A paradigm is the lens by which you view the world and the people in it. Change the paradigm, and you change how effectively you can convert retreat into advance. Last but not least, All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 is unconstrained by conscience.