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Fred
[[Annabelle with Wings|px]]
Why is she wearing Dracula's cape?!
Vital statistics
Gender Who the fuck knows?!
Species Sugarplum fairy
Status Unemployed and living in your garbage can
Age probably like a billion or something
Family Justin Bieber (cousin)
Friends Satan
Enemies Sir Christopher Lee
Appears in some stupid kiddie movies
Voiced by A sexy singer (first film)
That Vulcan chick from Frasier (the other stuff)
Annabelle the Archangel has spoken, but it's impossible to decode her incoherent message. Perhaps she's saying that she can get as many people as possible to line up behind the geek-tent barkers at the latest and greatest carnival of egotism and get away with it. Then again, she might be babbling that incendiarism is the key to world peace. Let me make clear what is foremost on my mind and what the focus of this letter will be: treating anyone who doesn't agree with her to a torrent of vitriol and vilification is a mug's game. The only reason Annabelle does things like that is because she asserts that miserabilism is the answer to all of our problems. Perhaps miserabilism is indeed the answer but only if the question was, “What's the moral equivalent of letting Annabelle blend together propagandism and antiheroism in a train wreck of monumental proportions?”

Annabelle keeps saying that voyeurism can quell the hatred and disorder in our society. Isn't that claim getting a little shopworn? I mean, when I say that she fails to consider the consequences of her truculent, mudslinging perorations, this does not, I repeat, does not mean that her hypnopompic insights are all sweetness and light. This is a common fallacy held by ophidian drotchels. The fact that we are materially and adversely affected by her schemes to commit confrontational, in-your-face acts of violence, intimidation, and incivility is particularly striking because she has a glib proficiency with words and very sensitive nostrils. Annabelle can smell money in your pocket from a block away. Once that delicious aroma reaches her nostrils, she'll start talking about the joy of Leninism and how everything she says is completely and entirely true. As you listen to Annabelle's sing-song, chances are you won't even notice her hand as it goes into your pocket. Only later, after you realize you've been robbed, will you truly understand that there is still hope for our society, real hope—not the false sense of hope that comes from the mouths of self-centered delinquents but the hope that makes you eager to deal with her appropriately.

Annabelle's hypocrisy is transparent. Even the least discerning among us can see right through it. I've said this before, and I'll say it again, but Annabelle's goal is to put the public peace perpetually in danger. This is abject interventionism! That's a very important point; Annabelle's legatees have learned their scripts well and the rhetoric comes gushing forth with little provocation. As part of her efforts to gain a mainstream following, Annabelle publishes the Journal of Self-righteous Cronyism. Included alongside articles discussing history, culture, art, religion, and philosophy are endorsements of Annabelle's plans to replace our natural soul with an artificial one. Armed only with a white shirt, pocket protector, slide rule, thick glasses, and some other neat stuff, I have determined that if she would abandon her name-calling and false dichotomies it would be much easier for me to fight tooth and nail against her.

There's a time to keep silent and a time to speak. There's a time to love and a time to hate. There's a time for war and a time for peace. And, I believe, there's a time to compile readers' remarks and suggestions and use them to help people make smart choices in life. Or, to put it less poetically, in the midst of our mighty struggle to call for a return to the values that made this country great, I have seen too many people stand on the sidelines and mouth pious irrelevancies and sanctimonious trivialities. I have watched too many people accept without challenge Annabelle's paltry claim that she has the experience, ideas, leadership, and integrity to move our nation forward. And I have observed too many people fail to realize that Annabelle's spinmeisters were recently seen enshrining irrational fears and fancies as truth. That's not a one-time accident or oversight. That's Annabelle's policy.

Annabelle says that she can succeed without trying. You know, I don't think I have heard a less factually based statement in my entire life. Perhaps one day we will live in a world where good people are not troubled by fear of the worst kinds of vicious, rabid pseudo-intellectuals there are. Until that day arrives, however, we must spread the word that Annabelle's insults are saturnine. They're unnecessary. They're counterproductive. Whenever I encounter them I think that Annabelle's idea of backwards, uneducated parochialism is no political belief. It is a fierce and burning gospel of hatred and intolerance, of murder and destruction, and the unloosing of a flagitious, stentorian bloodlust. It is, in every sense, a dysfunctional and pagan religion that incites its worshippers to a deluded frenzy and then prompts them to scatter about in profusion an abundance of pro-Annabelle beliefs (as I would certainly not call them logically reasoned arguments). Help me prevent the Annabelle the Archangel-induced catastrophe I foresee and save our nation from its time of deepest humiliation and disgrace. Join your hands with mine in this, the greatest cause of our time.

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