I hope Charlie Sheen gives this letter five minutes of his precious cappuccino-sipping, cancer-stick-puffing time. Here's the scoop: I am certain that if I asked the next person I meet if he would want Charlie to encourage every sort of indiscipline and degeneracy in the name of freedom, he would say no. Yet we all stand idly by while Charlie claims that power, politics, and privilege should prevail over the rule of law. Many of the most valued members of our community believe in freeing people from the bondage of antinomianism. Charlie, on the other hand, believes in disparaging and ridiculing our traditional heroes and role models. I hope you are able to see the distinction I am trying to point out. In particular, I hope you can see that there are two related questions in this matter. The first is to what extent Charlie has tried to establish rack-and-thumbscrew programs. The other is whether or not Charlie makes it sound like he's the foremost truth-teller of our time. That's the rankest sort of pretense I've ever heard. The reality is that Charlie knows that performing an occasional act of charity will make some people forgive—or at least overlook—all of his ornery excesses. My take on the matter is that if it were up to him, schoolchildren would be taught reading, 'riting, and racism.

In the past, it was perfectly clear to everyone with insight and without malice that Charlie's posse is a breeding ground for liberticidal degenerates. Unfortunately, there were a number of people who seemed to lack this insight at the right time or who, contrary to their better knowledge, contested and denied this truth. It is of vital importance that we shatter the illusion that Charlie has the right to undertake extrajudicial reprisals against his nemeses. It is a matter of life and death, a road either to safety or to ruin. That's why I maintain that if it weren't for Charlie's double standards he would have no standards at all. Hence, it's entirely a waste of time even to address Charlie's hypocrisy. That's why I'll state merely that he is the embodiment of everything petty in our lives. Every grievance, every envy, every bumptious ideology finds expression in Charlie Sheen.

While we all despair over Charlie's ultra-clueless missives, we must also remember the principles that will guide our better behaviors and higher aspirations. Charlie wants us to think of him as a do-gooder. Keep in mind, though, that he wants to “do good” with other people's money and often with other people's lives. If Charlie really wanted to be a do-gooder, he could start by admitting that the whole of his dotty worldview may perhaps be expressed in one simple word. That word is “rowdyism”. Let me explain: Charlie's apologists always tell the same story, the same story that always has the same happy ending, and it's always some kind of a lie. The real story is that Charlie can't attack my ideas, so he attacks me. It could be worse, I suppose. He could hammer a few more nails into the coffin of freedom.

Try as I may, I can't understand why Charlie would want to demand that loyalty to childish hatemongers supersedes personal loyalty. He periodically puts up a façade of reform. However, underneath the pretty surface, it's always business as usual. I may be opening a Pandora's box by writing this, but even if the majority of his surrogates are peaceful, 20% of them intend to conspire with evil. 20% is in fact a large number of people—and is probably a low estimate. You should therefore not disregard the fact that officialism is not merely an attack on our moral fiber. It is also a politically motivated attack on knowledge.

If you're still reading this letter, I wish to compliment you for being sufficiently open-minded to understand that those of us who are still sane, those of us who still have a firm grip on reality, those of us who still assert that Charlie's missives are a veritable grimoire from which evil spells of deviltry and manipulation are conjured up to rewrite and reword much of humanity's formative works to favor deconstructionism, have an obligation to do more than just observe what Charlie is doing from a safe distance. We have an obligation to build bridges where in the past all that existed were moats and drawbridges. We have an obligation to ensure social harmony. And we have an obligation to protect the interests of the general public against the greed and unreason of muddleheaded, vitriolic spoilsports. The bottom line is that I have put this letter before you, without any gain to myself, because I care.

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