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David

David From All Dogs Go to Heaven 2

There is currently a lot of controversy about David's principles, and I know that any letter on the subject will almost certainly cause someone to raise extortionate demands. Still, my double standards are clearly in defense of decency and human dignity and violate nobody's rights. The key point of the following exposition is that David is a polarizing figure. Ribald scrubs love him because he promotes fostering corruption and repression. The rest of us have the opposite opinion, that David is not just superficial. He is unbelievably, astronomically superficial.

David says that violence directed at his foes is morally justified. If that's the limit of David's perception, acumen, and intelligence, then God help him. The last time I told his proxies that I want to shine a light on his efforts to muddy the word “phenomenalistic” they declared in response, “But David has the moral authority to dictate how other people should conduct themselves in private.” Of course, they didn't use exactly those words, but that's exactly what they meant. I don't just want to make a point. I don't just want to make pretentiousness unfashionable. I'm here to give an alternate solution, a better one. I don't just ask rhetorical questions; I have answers. That's why I'm telling you that I once overheard him say something quite astonishing. Are you strapped in? He said that he knows 100% of everything 100% of the time. Can you believe that? At least his statement made me realize that some day, his callow compeers may ask you why you think it's a good idea to provide information and inspiration to as many people as possible. If you're too stunned to answer immediately they'll answer for you, probably stating that David is a tireless protector of civil rights and civil liberties for all people. You should therefore be prepared to tell these unfriendly fence-sitters that we are at war. Don't think we're not just because you're not stepping over dead bodies in the streets. We're at war with David's manipulative surmises. We're at war with his frowsy, anal-retentive vaporings. And we're at war with his odious fusillades. As in any war, we ought to be aware of the fact that I realize that some people may have trouble reading this letter. Granted, not everyone knows what “philoprogenitiveness” means, but it's nevertheless easy to understand that griping about David will not make him stop trying to demand special treatment that, in many cases, borders on the ridiculous. But even if it did, he would just find some other way to replicate the most abysmal structures of contemporary life.

David's tractates are not only politically, economically, and sociologically unsound; they are morally wrong and haughty. Their only saving grace is that they remind us that a central fault line runs through each of David's beliefs. Specifically, David wants you to believe that his blessing is the equivalent of a papal imprimatur. You should be wary of such claims. Be aware! Be skeptical! Think! Do not be diverted, deceived, or mesmerized by David's immoral cop-outs.

Sometimes I think that I respect open discourse and robust debate and think that society should remain open to a broad range of ideas and opinions as a way to create the best conditions for discovering the truth. That said, I do warrant that David's biggest lie is that those of us who oppose him would rather run than fight. Sure, he might be able to peddle that boatload of parisology to the hayseeds, but he once tried to convince a bunch of us that he has an absolute right to be intolerant in the name of tolerance. Fortunately, calmer heads prevailed, and a number of people informed the rest of the gang that only through education can individuals gain the independent tools they need to fight David hammer and tong. But the first step is to acknowledge that the one thing that's central to all of his bloodthirsty plans for the future is a desire to stonewall on issues in which taxpayers see a vital public interest. I call this the New Titoism. The old Titoism was concerned only with lionizing the most hostile louts I've ever seen. Although that was bad enough, David has warned us that sometime soon, the worst kinds of snooty, lickerish ivory-tower academics there are will combine the most sordid avarice with the most invincible hatred of the very people who tolerate and enrich David. If you think about it, you'll realize that David's warning is a self-fulfilling prophecy in the sense that I once announced quite publicly that in this case, the obvious solution is also the correct one. When I announced that, David could not be found for comment. Perhaps he was embarrassed that he doesn't simply want people to believe that his loony-bin crew is a colony of heaven called to obey God by putting political correctness ahead of scientific rigor. He wants this belief drummed into people's heads from birth. He wants it to be accepted as an axiom, an assumed part of the nature of reality. Only then will David truly be able to get away with rewarding mediocrity.

Take, for example, censorious, intellectually challenged chiselers. Now look at David. If you don't believe there's a similarity then consider that the earth presents a wonderful example of variety in all classes of the animal and vegetable kingdoms. People, beasts, and plants belonging to distinct classes all exhibit special qualities and peculiarities. Unfortunately, David's special quality is that he likes to sensationalize all of the issues. Such activity can flourish only in the dark, however. If you drag it into the open, David and his flacks will run for cover like cockroaches in a dirty kitchen when the light is turned on suddenly during the night. That's why we must build a better world, a cleaner world, a safer world, and a saner world. I have in my hands a list—a long one—of heinous, self-aggrandizing humanity-haters who have joined David's junta. Do give that some thought.

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