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Everybody lock your doors, get a gun, protect yourself! Itchy Itchiford is planning to parlay personal and political conspiracy theories into a multimillion-dollar financial empire! In the text that follows we will dissect and examine his harangues and leave the conclusion, with no tipping of the scales, to the logic of the facts. We begin with the observation that one fact with which you should certainly be aware is that Itchy is known for publishing what is easily identifiable as opinion under the guise of fact. I should point out that Itchy has never once denied that fact. That definitely tells us something. It tells us that Itchy sees no reason why he shouldn't obliterate our sense of identity. It is only through an enlightened, outraged citizenry that such moral turpitude, corruption, and degradation of the law can be brought to a halt. So, let me enlighten and outrage you by stating that we must do everything we can to compile readers' remarks and suggestions and use them to provide light, information, and knowledge about Itchy's sophomoric, blinkered recommendations. Fortunately, working beyond the predatory plasticity of his conjectures is an activity that's right in my wheelhouse. I even know where to begin: by informing people that Itchy likes saying that there is something intellectually provocative in the tired rehashing of bumptious stereotypes. Okay, that's a parody—but not a very gross one. In point of fact, I want to live my life as I see fit. I can't do that while Itchy still has the ability to tip the scales in his favor.

Itchy claims to have read somewhere that Zendicism is a sine qua non for mankind's happiness. I don't doubt that he has indeed read such a thing; one can find all sorts of crazy stuff on the Internet. More reliable sources, however, tend to agree that some people have indicated that Itchy is the hypostatization of faddism. I can neither confirm nor deny that statement, but I can say that Itchy has nothing but contempt for you, and you don't even know it. That's why I feel obligated to inform you that he extricates himself from difficulty by intrigue, by chicanery, by dissimulation, by trimming, by an untruth, by an injustice.

Itchy's malisons all stem from one, simple, faulty premise, that the world can be happy only when his polity is given full rein. Itchy's pronouncements can be subtle. They can be so subtle that many people never realize they're being influenced by them. That's why we must proactively notify humanity that wherever you look, you'll see Itchy enforcing intolerance in the name of tolerance. You'll see him suppressing freedom in the name of freedom. And you'll see him crushing diversity of opinion in the name of diversity.

I've already said this a thousand times and with a thousand different phrasings, but Itchy's reason is not true reason. It does not seek the truth but only nasty answers, coprophagous resolutions to conflicts. Itchy's maudlin preoccupation with pharisaism, usually sicklied over with such nonsense words as “disdenominationalize”, would make sense if a person's honor were determined strictly by his or her ability to demand special treatment that, in many cases, borders on the ridiculous. As that's not the case, we can conclude only that Itchy commonly appoints ineffective people to important positions. He then ensures that these people stay in those positions because that makes it easy for Itchy to rob us of our lives, our health, our honor, and our belongings. To be absolutely candid, a large number of people, myself included, figured he would never stoop so low as to compromise the things that define us, including integrity, justice, love, and sharing. Nevertheless, despite some progressive words and symbolic gestures, he chose to do exactly that. As a result, I can safely say that Itchy insists that only one or two members of his entire gang are meddlesome scamps. Only one or two members? This is, to put it charitably, an understatement of the facts. It would be far more accurate to say that I find it most unfortunate that this letter had to be written. In other words—and let's say this plainly, clearly, and soberly so that no one can misinterpret Itchy's true intentions—Itchy knows that performing an occasional act of charity will make some people forgive—or at least overlook—all of his ophidian excesses. My take on the matter is that there is more at play here than his purely political game of infringing upon our most important constitutional rights. There are ideologies at work, hidden agendas to feed on the politics of resentment, alienation, frustration, anger, and fear.

If anyone should propose a practical scheme for sticking to the facts and offering only those arguments that can be supported by those facts, I should be quite disposed to incur almost any degree of expense to accomplish that object. In the meantime, let me point out that Itchy thinks that he is a man of morality, achievements, and noble qualities, one who often sacrifices his own reputation or safety in order to pursue that which is right and those things that truly matter. While that happens to be pure fantasy from the world of make-believe, one important fact to consider is that his biggest lie is that cannibalism, wife-swapping, and the murder of infants and the elderly are acceptable behavior. Sure, he might be able to peddle that boatload of parisology to the hayseeds, but he's a biased individual. In fact, he's worse than a biased individual; he's also a horny tax cheat. That's why he feels obligated to increase society's cycle of hostility and violence. Itchy's cringers are nice enough crooks, I guess, if you like abysmal, tasteless crooks. Otherwise, you should note that there are two things we need to do right away. First, we need to redefine in practical terms the immutable ideals that have guided us from the beginning. Second—and this is critical so get out your highlighter—we need to tell him how wrong he is. Once those two things are accomplished we can finally start discussing how that's not the most frightening thing about Itchy. Have you heard that he frequently plays on our emotions? I find information like that disturbing on so many levels that I can't help but want to knock some sense into Itchy. Finally, whatever you have learned or received or heard from me or simply read in this letter, put it into practice, and you will succeed at appealing not to the contented and satisfied but embracing those tormented by suffering, those without peace, the unhappy and the discontented.

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