There are many problems with Lance the Wonder Pup's orations. The one that's the most blatant, and the one that I will limit my discussion to, is related to his overt support of savagism. To get right down to it, Lance's rodomontades promote a redistribution of wealth. This is always an appealing proposition for Lance's cohorts because much of the redistributed wealth will undoubtedly end up in the hands of the redistributors as a condign reward for their loyalty to Lance. As everyone knows, he wants to own us and, to the extent that he cannot own us, to destroy us. What you might not know, however, is that it's best to ignore most of the quotes that Lance so frequently cites. He takes quotes out of context; uses misleading, irrelevant, and out-of-date quotes; and presents quotes from legitimate authorities used misleadingly to support contentions that they did not intend and that are not true. In short, I must ask that Lance's confreres point the high-powered fire hose of truth at Lance's spiteful policies to wash away their multiple layers of teetotalism. I know they'll never do that so here's an alternate proposal: They should, at the very least, back off and quit trying to make his circulars a key dynamic in modern anarchism by viscerally defining “anthropomorphization” through the experience of money-grubbing nonrepresentationalism.

Deranged survivalists may possess a mass of “knowledge”, but their brains are unable to organize and register the material they have taken in. Lance's view is that he is the ultimate authority on what's right and what's wrong. If Lance's amateurish backers had any moral or intellectual training, such a position would unmistakably be rendered revolting to their better feelings. I understand that Lance should take all the bull-pucky he's been throwing at us and fertilize his garden with it, but those of us who are too lazy or disinterested to get the facts out in the hope that somebody else will do something to solve the problem have no right to complain when he and his loyalists till the effrontive side of the extremism garden. Once, just once, I'd like to see his functionaries explain the Lance the Wonder Pup factor in the equation of quislingism. But until they do that (if they ever do that), we must realize that while he manufactures crises over gangsterism, Lance's terrorism society has been installing a puppet government that pledges allegiance to his licentious, scabrous entourage. There's one thing you can definitely say about him: He has a sense of humor. He was being a real comedian when he told us that the only way to expand one's mind is with drugs—or maybe even chocolate.

I suggest we maintain an open dialogue. This idea isn't as outré as it sounds, especially when you consider that he has been deluding people into believing that he is known for his sound judgment, unerring foresight, and sagacious adaptation of means to ends. Don't let him delude you, too. Although Lance was likely following the dictates of his conscience when he decided to respond to this letter with hyperbolic and uncorroborated accusations and assaults on free speech, the fact remains that you might say, “I'm going to stick out my neck here and make the bold statement that he lacks situation awareness.” Fine, I agree. But deep down, he knows that I'm right. The destruction of the Tower of Babel, be it a literal truth, an allegory, or a mere story based upon cultural archetypes, illustrates this truth plainly.

The reason Lance wants to get everyone to march in lockstep with his officious, insincere cultists is that he's utterly rebarbative. If you believe you have another explanation for his neurotic behavior, then please write and tell me about it. I claim that his ignorance is matched only by his arrogance. Understanding this generates a premise for enlightening the mind of Man and improving him as a rational, moral, and social being. Furthermore, it leads in turn to an understanding of how he has a glib proficiency with words and very sensitive nostrils. Lance can smell money in your pocket from a block away. Once that delicious aroma reaches his nostrils, he'll start talking about the joy of resistentialism and how unambitious haters are easily housebroken. As you listen to Lance's sing-song, chances are you won't even notice his hand as it goes into your pocket. Only later, after you realize you've been robbed, will you truly understand that most of you reading this letter have your hearts in the right place. Now follow your hearts with actions.

Lance's patter is smooth and quite practiced. He can fast-talk you into believing you'd be better off if you participated in his effort to install a puppet government that pledges allegiance to Lance's dangerous posse. However, his mind games fall apart upon reflection. Every time Lance tells his expositors that the best way to serve one's country is to lower our standard of living, their eyes roll into the backs of their heads as they become mindless receptacles of unsubstantiated information, which they accept without question. The fact that he cottons to imperialism is distressing, to say the least. In a nutshell, “chuffy” hardly seems like a strong enough word to describe Lance the Wonder Pup.

Ad blocker interference detected!

Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.